Mr P and I have been together for over ten years. For the most part of it we are like a couple of love struck teenagers, but sometimes it can feel far from that. Now we never really argue, funny really like that. We tend to discuss things and if we don't agree we both go "fine!" but always apologise soon after. We are so close and I love that. The problem for me starts with if Mr P is not really feeling himself. He tends to go really quiet and distant. I'm the opposite, if i'm not feeling myself, I get really needy.
I'm going through a faze like that now.
It all started a few weeks ago. We were really loved up having lovely cuddles, great sex and I felt so close to him as I would massage or shower him. There is something very intimate about it.
I had asked him for a massage, well ok i been nagging for a bit :D but we never seem to have the time. The sexual attention towards me has subsided since I have not been instigating things.
Mr P does have a lot on his plate at the moment, he's so busy with work and worrying about his family. I feel that he has sort of sunk away from me. The more distant he gets though, the more I feel I need him. This gets into a vicious circle, then I end up feeling rejected, unloved and empty.
I know I worry to much, but I'm neurotic that he doesn't love me any more. Has he gone off me, does he like someone else. I have a huge list of what if's.
I know you are thinking why don't I talk to him. I have though. He assured me he loves me, just he is really busy ect. I wasn't left feeling any better though.
I sometimes think the phrase 'men are from mars, women are from venus' is so bloody right on times.
I know it will pass and we wil be best friends and lovers again, but for now, I will wait for him with an aching heart.
We are soulmates and life is never plain sailing.
Thursday 22 April 2010
Wednesday 24 March 2010
I had a dream.
After terrifyingly trying to avoid Mr P, I had a dream one night that was to change my life forever.
I don't really remember what it was I dreamed but I remember waking up and thinking I need to overcome my fear of nice guys and not let this one get away.
I got up and got ready for work, not being able to get the dream out of my head and thinking what shall I do. My heart would beat faster partly in panic but mostly in excitement. I arrived at work and had already decided I was going to ask Mr P out...tonight!
I couldn't wait. I went to see my line manager and asked if I worked my lunch hour could I finish early. She said no problem and my plan was put into action. I sat at my desk looking at the phone. I could dial his extension and ask him out now, but what do I say? I need an excuse to phone him, so I can casually ask him out in case he says no.
I made up some excuse about a set of notes I needed and that he may have in his office, knowing full well that they were right in front of me on my desk.
I dialled his extension, it rang and I heard him pick it up and say hello. My heart almost leapt out of my chest with excitement, I loved his London accent. "Hi" I said casually and went onto asking about the 'missing' notes. He apologised that he couldn't find them (bless lol) and then I took my chance. "I'm finishing work early tonight, would you like to go for a drink?" I could tell he sounded surprised but said yes he'd love too. I said about one of the pubs in town and that I'd meet him at 4.30. I had a computer course to go to at 7 and i needed to make my way there come 6.30, so we could have a drink or two first.
God when I put the phone down I was doing a silly girly scream inside and grinning from ear to ear. I'd done it, I'd asked him out. My heart almost lept out of my chest with excitement. One of the girls opposite asked what I was so happy about and I told her. She said ya kidding and I replied "nope" grinning away to myself.
The day went so slow and I couldn't wait to see him. Finally 4pm came and I said so long to the girls legged it to the toilets to make myself pretty before getting the bus into town.
I got to the pub by half past but I couldn't see Mr P there yet. Funnily I did bump into one of my ex shags 'V', he was one of the few nice people I slept with. We chatted and he introduced me to his friend. It was now about quarter to five, he was late. V asked what i was up to and did I want to join them for a drink. I told them I was waiting for a date and he was late. Just then I saw Mr P walk through the door, god I was relieved, I thought I had been stood up for a while there. I said bye to V and his mate and walked over to Mr P, he looked so handsome in his suit. God I was so nervous and shy looking back. He apologised for being late, bought me a drink and we went over to a booth with a table and sat opposite each other.
We talked and talked, we had not really had a proper conversation before, just chit chat. He made me laugh and we really hit it off, the conversation just flowed. I thought he was amazing :) In fact we were getting on so well that I decided not to bother going to the computer course and stay where I was. There was no way I could leave now, I wanted to stay here forever, watching his lips as he talked, telling me how beautiful I was.
The next two hours flew by and I really had to leave now to get home. My dad normally picked me up from collage, but I had called him and said to meet me by the pub and I made some excuse that I had to pop to the cash point opposite. He'd have a right go at me for missing collage.
Mr P said he'd walk me outside. It was dark and cold as we stood in the doorway, so he wrapped his arms around my waist and pulled me close. I tilted my head upwards and he lent down and kissed me. His lips were as soft as they looked and his tongue gently brushed my lips. *sigh* He was gorgeous.
We broke away and sighed again as I said my dad would be here soon, but as I turned my head to look, oh my god, dad was parked opposite. "Shit" I said I gota go. We kissed quickly then said goodbye before I ran across the road to dads car.
I jumped in and said "Hi, was bursting for the loo so popped into the pub, you ok" He obviously hadn't noticed his daughter kissing some man and replied yeah good, lets get you home".
I don't really remember what it was I dreamed but I remember waking up and thinking I need to overcome my fear of nice guys and not let this one get away.
I got up and got ready for work, not being able to get the dream out of my head and thinking what shall I do. My heart would beat faster partly in panic but mostly in excitement. I arrived at work and had already decided I was going to ask Mr P out...tonight!
I couldn't wait. I went to see my line manager and asked if I worked my lunch hour could I finish early. She said no problem and my plan was put into action. I sat at my desk looking at the phone. I could dial his extension and ask him out now, but what do I say? I need an excuse to phone him, so I can casually ask him out in case he says no.
I made up some excuse about a set of notes I needed and that he may have in his office, knowing full well that they were right in front of me on my desk.
I dialled his extension, it rang and I heard him pick it up and say hello. My heart almost leapt out of my chest with excitement, I loved his London accent. "Hi" I said casually and went onto asking about the 'missing' notes. He apologised that he couldn't find them (bless lol) and then I took my chance. "I'm finishing work early tonight, would you like to go for a drink?" I could tell he sounded surprised but said yes he'd love too. I said about one of the pubs in town and that I'd meet him at 4.30. I had a computer course to go to at 7 and i needed to make my way there come 6.30, so we could have a drink or two first.
God when I put the phone down I was doing a silly girly scream inside and grinning from ear to ear. I'd done it, I'd asked him out. My heart almost lept out of my chest with excitement. One of the girls opposite asked what I was so happy about and I told her. She said ya kidding and I replied "nope" grinning away to myself.
The day went so slow and I couldn't wait to see him. Finally 4pm came and I said so long to the girls legged it to the toilets to make myself pretty before getting the bus into town.
I got to the pub by half past but I couldn't see Mr P there yet. Funnily I did bump into one of my ex shags 'V', he was one of the few nice people I slept with. We chatted and he introduced me to his friend. It was now about quarter to five, he was late. V asked what i was up to and did I want to join them for a drink. I told them I was waiting for a date and he was late. Just then I saw Mr P walk through the door, god I was relieved, I thought I had been stood up for a while there. I said bye to V and his mate and walked over to Mr P, he looked so handsome in his suit. God I was so nervous and shy looking back. He apologised for being late, bought me a drink and we went over to a booth with a table and sat opposite each other.
We talked and talked, we had not really had a proper conversation before, just chit chat. He made me laugh and we really hit it off, the conversation just flowed. I thought he was amazing :) In fact we were getting on so well that I decided not to bother going to the computer course and stay where I was. There was no way I could leave now, I wanted to stay here forever, watching his lips as he talked, telling me how beautiful I was.
The next two hours flew by and I really had to leave now to get home. My dad normally picked me up from collage, but I had called him and said to meet me by the pub and I made some excuse that I had to pop to the cash point opposite. He'd have a right go at me for missing collage.
Mr P said he'd walk me outside. It was dark and cold as we stood in the doorway, so he wrapped his arms around my waist and pulled me close. I tilted my head upwards and he lent down and kissed me. His lips were as soft as they looked and his tongue gently brushed my lips. *sigh* He was gorgeous.
We broke away and sighed again as I said my dad would be here soon, but as I turned my head to look, oh my god, dad was parked opposite. "Shit" I said I gota go. We kissed quickly then said goodbye before I ran across the road to dads car.
I jumped in and said "Hi, was bursting for the loo so popped into the pub, you ok" He obviously hadn't noticed his daughter kissing some man and replied yeah good, lets get you home".
Tuesday 9 March 2010
Mr Nice
Whilst working at the hospital, one guy in particular caught my eye, Mr P. He was a trainee manager, so a bit out of my league, tall and strong, like a rugby player. If there's two things that do it for me, its men in suits and rugby players :P
I figured out from the odd 'hello' that he had a London accent and was therefore ....English, shock horror :D Well this was flirting ammo for me especially with the six nations going on. I would flirt and tease him rotten about how Wales beat the English haha. But he loved it :)
During one lunch hour I was waiting for the bus into town. As I got on, so did Mr P, he sat next to me and we chatted briefly. As we got close to town he asked if he could buy me lunch...Now being the logical freak I am I working this out quickly in my head. Fifteen minutes to town, find somewhere to eat, wait for food, eat food, get back to bus station and fifteen minutes journey back. There was no way I'd fit all that in without being late and getting a bollocking off my boss. So I replied I'd love to but I gota get a few things in town and maybe another time.
I got into town and said goodbye to Mr P, then wandered round town, super chuffed that I had been asked out 'for lunch' woohoo!
(You know i mentioned i'm a logical freak, well I can also be an irrational loone too)
By the time I had got home from work, I got myself into a panic. Mr P seemed really nice and I don't do nice guys. I don't know why I was thinking this. I had a few oppertunites in the past to date nice guys, who actually treated me well, would want to look after me and not get into my knickers as soon as possiable, but I always sent them packing.
Over the next week I avoided all the places I'd usually head to, to 'accidently' bump into Mr P.
I figured out from the odd 'hello' that he had a London accent and was therefore ....English, shock horror :D Well this was flirting ammo for me especially with the six nations going on. I would flirt and tease him rotten about how Wales beat the English haha. But he loved it :)
During one lunch hour I was waiting for the bus into town. As I got on, so did Mr P, he sat next to me and we chatted briefly. As we got close to town he asked if he could buy me lunch...Now being the logical freak I am I working this out quickly in my head. Fifteen minutes to town, find somewhere to eat, wait for food, eat food, get back to bus station and fifteen minutes journey back. There was no way I'd fit all that in without being late and getting a bollocking off my boss. So I replied I'd love to but I gota get a few things in town and maybe another time.
I got into town and said goodbye to Mr P, then wandered round town, super chuffed that I had been asked out 'for lunch' woohoo!
(You know i mentioned i'm a logical freak, well I can also be an irrational loone too)
By the time I had got home from work, I got myself into a panic. Mr P seemed really nice and I don't do nice guys. I don't know why I was thinking this. I had a few oppertunites in the past to date nice guys, who actually treated me well, would want to look after me and not get into my knickers as soon as possiable, but I always sent them packing.
Over the next week I avoided all the places I'd usually head to, to 'accidently' bump into Mr P.
Sunday 7 March 2010
The Swan takes a dive.
After my break up with D, things changed for me, and it wasn't for the better. I felt something was missing from my life. I craved for affection and attention, but it wasn't always the right type.
I had left she shop and started working in my local hospital as an admin clerk. The flat sharing didn't work out and I ended going to stay back with my parents. God that was enough to tip me over the edge :/ so I put myself on the waiting list for a council flat. My mother was happy enough to write a letter saying I couldn't stay, very kind of her eh!
I was there a few months before I got the flat and moved in. It was so lonely and empty, but least I could do my own thing. I was making friends at the hospital too which was good, but money was tight and I decided to go and see if I could get my old job back at the pub.
There was a new manager there but all the regulars were the same so I fitted right back in. I loved all the attention I got from the men and I was a terriable flirt.
This is where it all gets messy so I will keep it brief as not to depress you.
I wouldn't describe it as sleeping around, but I guess thats what it was really. Men showed me attention and took it as they liked me. My flirting often led to going back to my flat with a bloke or their place where we would have sex. I never enjoyed any of it and some of it, looking back, was like being assaulted. I have been face fucked till I was nearly sick, even thought I was trying to push him off and was nearly in tears, he wouldn't stop. Another time I had a guy round mine. We had already had sex in the night but he folloewd me into the batroom next morning saying he wanted more. I really wans't up for it but didn't put up much resistance and he fucked me over with toilet. I remember thinking "I really need to clean this toilet" funny I know but I was just taking my mind away from the situation.
I did have one relationship with a guy from the pub. He was funny and exciting. He was here from New Zealand with some friends and we got on really well, I enjoyed the sex, the first time since D. He even brought round a vibrator once. He had dropped it getting out of the car though so when he started it up, it sounded like a chain saw. God we laughed :D
He asked me to go back to New Zealand with him and I was really excited, got my passport and everything. But my mother still had control over me even though i didn't live with her, so I never went. We used to call each other but after a while I could never get hold of him.
Alone again I went and had a few relationships with some of my collogues at the hospital but they just used me too.
I went into a depression after all this and become a self harmer. At least when I cut myself all the pain went away....
I had left she shop and started working in my local hospital as an admin clerk. The flat sharing didn't work out and I ended going to stay back with my parents. God that was enough to tip me over the edge :/ so I put myself on the waiting list for a council flat. My mother was happy enough to write a letter saying I couldn't stay, very kind of her eh!
I was there a few months before I got the flat and moved in. It was so lonely and empty, but least I could do my own thing. I was making friends at the hospital too which was good, but money was tight and I decided to go and see if I could get my old job back at the pub.
There was a new manager there but all the regulars were the same so I fitted right back in. I loved all the attention I got from the men and I was a terriable flirt.
This is where it all gets messy so I will keep it brief as not to depress you.
I wouldn't describe it as sleeping around, but I guess thats what it was really. Men showed me attention and took it as they liked me. My flirting often led to going back to my flat with a bloke or their place where we would have sex. I never enjoyed any of it and some of it, looking back, was like being assaulted. I have been face fucked till I was nearly sick, even thought I was trying to push him off and was nearly in tears, he wouldn't stop. Another time I had a guy round mine. We had already had sex in the night but he folloewd me into the batroom next morning saying he wanted more. I really wans't up for it but didn't put up much resistance and he fucked me over with toilet. I remember thinking "I really need to clean this toilet" funny I know but I was just taking my mind away from the situation.
I did have one relationship with a guy from the pub. He was funny and exciting. He was here from New Zealand with some friends and we got on really well, I enjoyed the sex, the first time since D. He even brought round a vibrator once. He had dropped it getting out of the car though so when he started it up, it sounded like a chain saw. God we laughed :D
He asked me to go back to New Zealand with him and I was really excited, got my passport and everything. But my mother still had control over me even though i didn't live with her, so I never went. We used to call each other but after a while I could never get hold of him.
Alone again I went and had a few relationships with some of my collogues at the hospital but they just used me too.
I went into a depression after all this and become a self harmer. At least when I cut myself all the pain went away....
Friday 5 March 2010
Ooo a freebie to review from Lovehoney!
I surprisingly got an email yesterday, saying that LoveHoney were sending me a product to review. This is what turned up in the post this morning. Earthly Body Naked in the Woods 3-in-1 Massage Candle.
I have fancied trying one of these candles for a while now. I have opened it up and it smells lovely. Reminds me of our trips to the Spa at Center Parcs. Anyway I am going to give it a try tonight. Mr Puppies has had a stressful week so i'm going to jump him in the shower later, then take him to the bedroom and pour some of the scented oil on him and give him a massage. You never know, he might return the favour ;)
I will post a link to my Lovehoney review soon.
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