The Swan takes a dive.

After my break up with D, things changed for me, and it wasn't for the better. I felt something was missing from my life. I craved for affection and attention, but it wasn't always the right type.


I had left she shop and started working in my local hospital as an admin clerk. The flat sharing didn't work out and I ended going to stay back with my  parents. God that was enough to tip me over the edge :/ so I put myself on the waiting list for a council flat. My mother was happy enough to write a letter saying I couldn't stay, very kind of her eh!
I was there a few months before I got the flat and moved in. It was so lonely and empty, but least I could do my own thing. I was making friends at the hospital too which was good, but money was tight and I decided to go and see if I could get my old job back at the pub.
There was a new manager there but all the regulars were the same so I fitted right back in. I loved all the attention I got from the men and I was a terriable flirt.
This is where it all gets messy so I will keep it brief as not to depress you.
I wouldn't describe it as sleeping around, but I guess thats what it was really. Men showed me attention and took it as they liked me. My flirting often led to going back to my flat with a bloke or their place where we would have sex. I never enjoyed any of it and some of it, looking back, was like being assaulted. I have been face fucked till I was nearly sick, even thought I was trying to push him off and was nearly in tears, he wouldn't stop. Another time I had a guy round mine. We had already had sex in the night but he folloewd me into the batroom next morning saying he wanted more. I really wans't up for it but didn't put up much resistance and he fucked me over with toilet. I remember thinking "I really need to clean this toilet" funny I know but I was just taking my mind away from the situation.
I did have one relationship with a guy from the pub. He was funny and exciting. He was here from New Zealand with some friends and we got on really well, I enjoyed the sex, the first time since D. He even brought round a vibrator once. He had dropped it getting out of the car though so when he started it up, it sounded like a chain saw. God we laughed :D
He asked me to go back to New Zealand with him and I was really excited, got my passport and everything. But my mother still had control over me even though i didn't live with her, so I never went. We used to call each other but after a while I could never get hold of him.
Alone again I went and had a few relationships with some of my collogues at the hospital but they just used me too.
I went into a depression after all this and become a self harmer. At least when I cut myself all the pain went away....